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Posts Tagged ‘thoughts’

I have not blogged for over a year. Not sure where to start either.

I am  challenging myself to loose weight to get my blood pressure under control. I don’t like the new meds my doctor put me on. My ankles and calf are always swollen. That isn’t right nor cute. Never had that happen to me until the meds. Now I am scared to take the meds. This was one of my breaking point. You would think being a diabetic on insulin would have made me say I want to take less insulin, I need to do something. Nope! Not at all!

What made me break was the tight feeling I got from the side effects from the meds. I get scared when it comes to my feet and legs. I need my legs to kick. Besides this is interfering with my martial arts life style. Plus I don’t want a stroke or heart attack from high blood pressure.  My question to myself was this….. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

That may seem like a simple or easy question. It isn’t!

I ordered the Insanity videos. Maybe this will whip me up in shape and to get rid of the high blood pressure meds.  Not worried about the insulin,  I have a feeling I will be taking less dosage once I finish.

Today I got my insanity package. This is my day 1 of a 60 day challenge. I did the fit test.

One I am glad I take martial arts. Cause I would have not made it as far as I did. I think I did okay, but I still doubt myself.

One day at a time.

And one more thing. I hate when I read blogs from someone loosing weight and they don’t really say what they did to loose it. Just a brief I change my eating style, and joined the gym. No real details at all.

Well I am going to give you the good and bad. I will try to log my meals, my exercises, and my thoughts.

 

 

 

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This came in the mail for me today. Yep my medical bracelet tag. I designed the tag with fresh water pearls and real crystals. It is on the set of three for the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost (spirit).

 

midical tag pict0437

 

On March 3, 2009. I had to go back to the doctor, because I failed big time with my diabetes. My count was passed 400. I smell (ed) sweet. This sweet smell is unusual for me. See I like to smell good but not that damn good. I’m  mad, pissed, upset, discourage, angry, appalled, and inadequate to myself. I let myself down. I hurt myself the most. I feel like I disappointed a lot of people. Even my doctor felt emotional when he saw the raw disfiguring look appearing on my face. It is like a death sentence. “You have to take insulin” those are the last words someone with diabetes type 2 wants to hear. The last thing I want to do is stick myself, then gobble a bunch of carbs down my throat. Listen I am 31.5 which I will be 32 on March 20, I don’t look forward as that being a best or one of the best day in my life. I look at it as another day with problems. If I was a drug attic I would be in the crack house right now. If I was a drinker, I would be drunk right now. If I was a binge eater, I would be binging right now.  None of this apply for me. So what else can I do to make me feel on top of the world? Wait then I would be asking too much. How about what do I need to do to get my life back? How do I beat this crippling disease? I am use to me being in control over myself and my life. I am use to handling the minor stuff, because I know God will fix it.

I cried at the doctor’s office. The doctor tried to convince me I was not like the other patience he has. I can beat this. I don’t believe a word from his mouth.  I have seen many of my family members struggle with this disease. I seen the crippling complications it causes too. This is where the problem for me sets in.  I am a diabetic and my sugar is high and I have to take insulin and I have to eat, and carbs will raise my levels, and I will never get off meds and I will die from this crippling disease. Shit I am fucked.

Now I have to back up some. I was admitted in the hospital Jan 07, I had pancreatitis. Now when I eat it hurts. See they say go home eat no to slim fat foods. Well Every thing has fucking fat in it except some carb foods. So now I have diabetes and the pancreas issue. So Eat no fat to slim fat, watch your carbs, and loose weight. I matter as well not eat.

I went upstairs to our bedroom. I locked the door behind me. I flopped on the bed, our queen size bed, thank God it lays on the floor. If it had a bed frame I am sure I would have broken it. I flopped so hard that I felt a pinch in my neck. I grabbed the quilts and sheets with my hands. I buried my face in them and screamed as loud as I could.  I bit, punched, screamed, cried, and came back to my senses. Once I was done. The pain was still there. Nothing had changed at all. The only thing that had changed was the shape of the covers. After I buried my face in my palms I had to come to the conclusion to fight. Fight where it matters. Those covers can’t feel nothing. I am not hurting a damn thing by doing it. It made me feel better for just a moment. Then reality hits and nothing has changed. It was a form of wasted energy on something that doesn’t matter in the first place. That energy I wasted could have went to trying to better my health.

 

Now that I had time to take it all in. Walk with me as I try to beat the shit out of diabetes.

This blogging is real. It is my inner thoughts, my struggles, and my life. This may just help someone else get on track.  One step at a time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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