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I was on this machine when thoughts started to flow through my head.

jan21exercise2012 (1)

So many times I wondered why many people say they can’t before they try. Perhaps they have tried and nothing worked. Well I have been trying for many fails and I try again. Each time I try something new and something different. One of these days my body will give up and let good happen to it.

Since it is giving me a battle. I am giving it one back. I refuse to give up and let my body win. If I do this it means I let all odds of chance not work for me.

Someday that phrase will work for me. In the mean time I will leave it be. I thought of it just like that.

Here I am on this machine. In my head I see this huge woman. She is around 400lbs. Her legs hurt, back aches, and most of all she don’t think she can make it on here for 5 minutes.

I snapped this pic of me to go back and look at it. This mere image of me don’t look like that 400lb lady I was seeing at the gym. In fact she looked somewhat out of shape, but not enough to see what I saw.

I really have to get out that mind set on how I look. The image I see is not what others sees in me. See we all are humans and some how we have imagine of people and how we see them each and everyday. Some might be annoying, silly, stupid, shy, bashful, cute, and so on. It is all about how we carry ourselves.

You know what. I love myself regardless of how I look. America has this thing that skinny is best. Well not everyone needs to be a zero to be beautiful. As long as you are healthy that is the most important part.

Then I went on to think. I am the only one that can control my life. No one is holding a gun to my head saying stuff your cheeks with these un-healthy treats and foods. I am the one that buys the food. I am the one that don’t follow basic rules for shopping. Buy fresh and box life stays on the shelf.

I can make this change and do it now. I don’t need to wait until it is too late to say I should have, could have, would have, and so on. What is stopping me isn’t the next person. I am the only one that stops me.

So what will I do about it. I will start buy buying healthier. I am sure I will want something I use to like. Maybe one day I will have what I like from time to time.

I am not looking at anything I do as a diet, but as a change.

I started today with gluten free. My life is changing today.

Let’s see how this will work out for me.

By the way I did 20 mins on that machine. Then did 20 mins of weights right after.

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I can’t really call this a nightmare while woke. It should read Morningmare. That is exactly what it was.  NO, I should call this “Where is my short term memory?” I will be forever scared. Nothing can remove the image that is embedded ing my brain. No matter what I do, my short-term memory will not kick in. Where do I start?  I keep trying to pin point my start or ending. They are one in the same for this particular “MARE”.

I couldn’t sleep at all. I was up from 1am until. It was one of my days where I can’t sleep and nothing will work. It last for a day or a few weeks at a time. I watched tv and listen to Mike snore. I was going to get up to start knitting. I didn’t for the fear I would wake everyone by the click of the needles. Least they were able to sleep.

Around 5am I went to go to the bathroom. I knew My in-laws were at work and no one would be up. So that’s what I thought. Mike would be woke soon because he would be getting prepared for work. Only difference was today was his day off.  I figured I would go to the bathroom so I can try to go  to sleep. We have to go through the trap door in the floor  to enter upstairs. I open the door as usual and I looked to my left to make sure I could place my hand on the floor to be stable to climb the rest of the stairs.

I looked to my left side. What I saw would forever scar me. Two fat sloppy naked people sitting on the chair in front of the computer. I threw up in my mouth. I can still taste it. Every time I burp I taste what came up at that moment. All I heard after that “Babe it’s Lysa”. I closed the trapped door and my mind was changed. My thought on them changed. Don’t get me wrong I am a big girl  myself. At this moment I repulse by them big time. It made me think what if I looked like that.  I don’t want to eat anything anymore. I rather starve than to place anything in my mouth. I don’t want tons of jelly rolls on my body like what I saw. I don’t want to be hanging out the chair because I have extra me. I don’t want to ever see there faces again. I need some Lysol so every time I go upstairs I spray my sitting spot.

That is nasty, nasty, nasty. What if it was one of my kids going up. The girls always go up to use the bathroom around the same time. They would come back and go back to sleep. This is serious! Where is my short-term memory when I need it?

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